I watched a video, and it started a spark that grew.
It was called "How to Spot AuDHD in High-Masking Women" and something inside me shifted. Not dramatically, not loudly. But like a door I didn't know existed had been opened, just a crack, letting in a sliver of light.
I started remembering things. Characteristics. Patterns. Things from when I was a kid.
I remember, as a child, I used to talk to imaginary superhero friends. I could see them. They were next to me when I slept. They felt real, and they made me feel safe.
I remember walking with my mum, and I had to walk on the pavement tiles in a very specific way I couldn't step between the tiles. I had to step on them, or the opposite, and I could never step on the round ones on the road. If I did, something terrible would happen I would fight with my mum, or she would die, or something like that.
I had stimmings too making bubbles in my mouth with saliva, playing with my hair, dancing, scratching my skin a lot, and my eyes, to a degree that irritated the area and the skin.
What Happens When You See Yourself for the First Time
There is a particular kind of moment that many women describe when they first encounter information about autism and ADHD in adulthood. Researchers have called it a "moment of self-recognition" a point where a lifetime of confusion, self-blame, and perceived failure is suddenly reframed through a completely different lens. The relief is real, but it often comes mixed with grief. Grief for the years spent not knowing. Grief for the girl who thought something was wrong with her when, perhaps, she was simply different.
Women are significantly more likely than men to receive late diagnoses of both autism and ADHD. One key reason is masking the learned ability to camouflage neurodivergent traits in order to fit in socially. Girls are socialised from a very young age to observe, adapt, and perform "acceptable" behaviour, which can hide the signs for decades.
For many women, the path to recognition doesn't begin in a doctor's office. It begins with a video. A podcast. A conversation with someone who lives it.
The Pavement Tiles Between Ritual, Magic, and the Mind
Those pavement tile rules the ones where stepping on the wrong one could cause something terrible to happen are a well-documented experience in childhood. Mental health professionals refer to this as "magical thinking": the belief that a specific action or ritual can prevent harm to oneself or a loved one.
This kind of thinking appears in both OCD and autism, and in childhood it can be difficult to tell where one ends and the other begins. In OCD, rituals are typically driven by intrusive, distressing thoughts. In autism, similar rituals often serve a different purpose creating predictability, regulating sensory experience, or satisfying a deep need for sameness. Sometimes, both are present at once. Research suggests that between ten and thirty per cent of autistic individuals also meet criteria for OCD.
What matters is not diagnosing yourself through a memory but noticing that the memory exists, and that it carries weight.
Stimming The Body's Own Language
Stimming short for self-stimulatory behaviour includes repetitive movements, sounds, or sensations that help regulate emotions, process sensory input, or simply feel good. Making bubbles with saliva, playing with hair, dancing, scratching these are all forms of stimming, and they are one of the most recognisable features of autism.
For many women, stimming was something they were told to stop. It was considered strange, inappropriate, or unhygienic. So they learned to suppress it, or replace visible stims with invisible ones. This suppression is itself a form of masking and it comes at a cost, because the need for regulation doesn't disappear just because the outlet is taken away.
The "Walking Stick" Friend
I was investing a lot, in primary school, in best friends. I tried to always have one best friend, and when I couldn't, I took it pretty hard. Then I started a friendship with someone who would be my best friend for years but it became a toxic relationship, and I still can't fully get over her. Was she my "walking stick" in social interactions that were difficult for me?
After we separated, around the age of twenty-two, I had a real problem finding friends again.
Research confirms this is one of the most striking patterns in autistic girls' social lives the tendency toward a single, intense best friendship rather than a wide social network. Studies published in Autism (Sedgewick et al., 2019) found that autistic girls' friendships were similar in quality to neurotypical friendships equally close, helpful, and secure but differed in a crucial way: autistic girls lacked wider social networks, and individual best friends often became the sole focus of their social lives.
Tony Attwood and Michelle Garnett describe this clearly: an autistic girl may prefer single close friendships, using that one person as a social anchor a guide through the confusing landscape of group dynamics, unspoken rules, and shifting alliances. When that friendship ends, the loss is not just emotional. It is structural. The entire social scaffolding collapses, and building a new one can feel nearly impossible.
When Someone Else's Tools Start Helping You
When I met my partner, who is neurodivergent diagnosed with AuDHD some of his tools and gadgets started helping me daily. The sound fidgets, the practices. They helped me too.
There is something quietly powerful about discovering that tools designed for someone else's brain also work for yours. Sound fidgets, sensory practices, structured routines when these begin to bring comfort, they are not just tools. They are information. They are a kind of mirror, reflecting something about how your own nervous system works that you may not yet have words for.
This is not proof of anything on its own. But it is worth paying attention to. It is worth bringing to a professional, alongside everything else the memories, the patterns, the questions.
A Spark, Not a Conclusion
I don't have answers yet. I have a spark. I have memories that suddenly feel different than they used to. I have patterns I didn't see before or maybe saw but didn't have the words for.
This is not about proving something. It is about understanding. About gathering the pieces honestly, looking at them from new angles, and being brave enough to ask: What if the way I've always been isn't a collection of flaws but a way of being that has a name?
If you have ever watched a video, read an article, or listened to someone's story and felt that quiet shock of recognition you are not alone. And you don't need to have all the answers to start asking the questions.
With love, Elli
Resources & Further Reading
- Unmasking Autism Devon Price (open discussion of late recognition and masking)
- Sedgewick, F. et al. (2019). "It's different for girls: Gender differences in the friendships and conflict of autistic and neurotypical adolescents." Autism, 23(5), 1119–1132.
- Attwood, T. & Garnett, M. Been There. Done That. Try This! (practical neurodivergent strategies)
- Megan Anna Neff Neurodivergent Insights (neurodivergentinsights.com)
- Auticate YouTube Channel "How to Spot AuDHD in High-Masking Women"
